entitlement

I watched Philadelpia for the first time last night. I didn't realize how controversial that film must have been when it was produced. I'd say it was ahead of its times. What a film, packed with love, loss and emotion. Made me remember the first time I met a woman with AIDS. Made me think about how I become entitled to certain knowledge and situations because of my camera. Made me feel ... a lot.

nervous
not sure what to say to her
if anything
what can i say?
how can i pretend to relate?

i know i'll die
she knows she'll die
the difference?

AIDS will kill her
i live with a culprit unknown
i live with a lack of pain
she lives with AIDS
she dies with AIDS

she's ordinary
she's beautiful
she walks slowly, carefully

my camera loves the smooth skin on her face
i put the camera between the two of us
but i feel as if it's not there
she's in my head

her calmness fills the room
it hugs me
my nerves are gone
i'm more relaxed than i've been in a long time
i cannot explain

our eyes meet
i smile

the only sores i see are on her feet
he touches her feet
he wears no gloves
he knows her pain better than i
his hands take her pain
it disappears, momentarily

i feel inadequate
i take no pain, just pictures
i feel bad
even guilty

she says its from a needle prick at a hospital she worked at
but she's a recovering crack addict
she doesn't lie

later we chat on the front stoop
she smokes a cigarette
i know she has AIDS
some in her family do not

when i leave
i know i will not see her again
but i send her photos
i hope she sees the beauty in these photos
that i see in her